Guilt: The light and dark sides

Like it or not, guilt has a role to play in our society. It sucks to feel guilty, but it's not all bad, as it can be an indicator of our moral compass and let us know when we need to reflect and grow from certain situations. It can even be the stimulus to help us push harder when we know we really need to. 

However, false guilt is a different beast altogether. Consistent negative emotions and reactive behaviours from false guilt can lead to poorer mental health, overwhelming workloads, and at the extreme end, increases the risk for burnout.

What is false guilt?

False guilt happens when you think you've let yourself or others down, but these expectations are distorted perceptions, not accurate reflections of the reality at hand. Unfortunately, it seems that false or not, the negative emotions and feelings are the same and can increase your risk for burnout.

Do you find yourself apologising for things that, in reality, are out of your control or scope, at work or at home? Things that you reasonably would not be able to sustainably manage? This may be an indicator that you are carrying around false guilt, blaming yourself for something you should not feel responsible for. Those of us who have daily work-related perfectionistic concerns tend to be the same people that blame themselves and then experience more feelings of guilt. Even when we make trade-offs for work or for home life, committing to those out of our scope tasks, we then see ourselves in a worse light, piling on those false guilt feelings. In addition, workers who are guilt-prone tend to be the ones who put in extra effort because they worry their contributions to the team or organisation aren’t enough. These may even be the same people who ignore their personal and external boundaries and overcommit themselves. 

Our wellbeing data here at Benny Button shows that 67% of respondents have a tendency to be self-critical when finding things difficult.

Higher levels of self-criticism are linked to more negative emotions and coping in unmindful ways. All this leads to higher levels of overload, then increased levels of stress due to the overload and increased stress due to the feelings of overwhelm, guilt and underachievement, leading to more overload…. And so the negative spiral continues downward toward burnout.

The culture of work overload clearly plays a significant role in fostering false guilt. In a world that glorifies busyness, we find it hard to say no, even when our plates are already overflowing. And then there's the tendency to over-apologise. We say sorry for taking time off, for not being able to do it all, for not meeting the impossible standards we've set for ourselves. This constant apologising reinforces our sense of underachievement, creating a loop that's tough to break free from. As leaders, we might feel the pressure to set an example of this overcommitment and constant busyness, inadvertently perpetuating the cycle of overcommitment and impending burnout.

Protecting your mental health

Acknowledging these patterns is the first step toward change. Recognising that false guilt is a by-product of our dedication and not a reflection of our worth is crucial. Understanding that burnout is not a testament to our failure, but rather a sign that we're pushing too hard, allows us to reassess our priorities and rise back up, building our resilience.

Overcoming false guilt is a multifaceted process involving realistic expectations and boundaries. It's realising that setting and following expectations and boundaries, with others and ourselves, isn't a luxury but a necessity for sustained productivity and creativity, making us stronger in the long run.

Realistic personal and external expectations are achievable standards and goals that align with your abilities and circumstances while acknowledging your limitations and potential. They are crucial because they provide a grounded framework for your actions and decisions, ensuring you don't set yourself up for failure but give yourself the best chance for growth and success. By aligning your efforts with realistic expectations, you reduce the likelihood of falling short, thereby preventing the onset of false guilt and fostering a healthier sense of self-worth.

Boundaries refer to the limits and guidelines you establish for yourself in various aspects of your life, defining what is acceptable and what is not. Setting boundaries is like drawing a protective circle around your wellbeing. It's your personal space where self-respect takes precedence, making it a potent shield against the grip of false guilt. Within set boundaries, you reclaim the power to define your worth on your terms, freeing yourself from the burden of undue expectations.

5 Tips to Conquer False Guilt, Build Resilience, and Support Your Mental Health

Once we understand that our feelings of letting others down are coming from an unrealistic place we can start taking steps to heal and prevent this negative cycle. We have included 5 steps to take, below, that will help you overcome feelings of false guilt. An undercurrent of these steps is to practise mindfulness throughout. Mindfulness has been shown to boost the benefits of boundaries and healthy expectations, so be sure to regulate your attention and be non-judgemental as you put the following practices in place.

1. Self-Reflection:

   Start by identifying the triggers of your false guilt. Recognise patterns of behaviour and thought that lead to feelings of inadequacy.

2. Set Realistic Expectations:

   Acknowledge your limits and set achievable goals. Reflect on your schedule, skills, and resources. Now, compare those to your current expectations, are they still realistic? If not, take some time to reflect and reset personal expectations to reflect what is achievable while still maintaining your wellbeing. Next step, discuss these expectations with your leader and make sure you are on the same page. 

3. Practice Self-Compassion:

   Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer a close friend. Celebrate your successes, no matter how small, and forgive yourself for perceived shortcomings.

4. Establish Clear Boundaries:

   Clearly define your personal and professional boundaries. Understand what you should be and are responsible for and what time and effort you need to deliver. If any of those things do not align, take a moment to reassess and speak to your team and leaders about it. Embrace the idea that it’s okay to say no and prioritise your well-being.

5. Be Mindful:

   Notice when you either start apologising for things that either do not need an apology or are out of your control or scope, or you find yourself saying yes to things you really shouldn’t be squeezing in. Pause and analyse your feelings in the moment, be kind to yourself and reflect on your expectations and boundaries. Ensure that you move forward in a way that effectively holds your boundaries with respect.

Don’t hesitate to reach out to friends, family, or colleagues for support. Sometimes, an external perspective can provide valuable insights into setting realistic expectations and boundaries and help alleviate feelings of guilt.

If you are interested in how to foster a workplace culture that empowers you and your team to build and respect realistic expectations and boundaries, be sure to check out the extensive collection available in Benny Button's resource library, including our Mindful Action and Burnout experiences.